how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
