haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
