Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
