It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
