im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He is an equal opportunity slut.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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