Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i barfeds in our rink
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
