If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
