My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
