my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
