cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
