I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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