I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
