Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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