If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
