It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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