I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
