You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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