she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
