I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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