I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
