I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
