I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
