Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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