so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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