u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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