The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Randomize
