How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
