I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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