we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Randomize
