Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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