Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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