I'm so fucking centered right now
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
