Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
