There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
