Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
