How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
