My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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