You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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