gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
