Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
