My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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