That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
