he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
