I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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