Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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