just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
