this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
