If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
