How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
