u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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