I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
